Does this paragraph need any improvements?

Question

I was wondering if mine sounded alright. Does it need any work? Is it sloppy or weak? ANY tips appreciated. :)
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The King of Salem explained that a person’s Personal Legend is something they have always wanted to accomplish; something they have always dreamed about doing. Paulo Coelho, the author of The Alchemist, introduced a variety of characters and each had their own Personal Legend; some had already completed their Personal Legends, whilst others had given up; a few had yet to figure out their Personal Legends, and those who had were still seeking them out. Santiago’s Personal Legend is to find hidden treasure. The baker’s personal legend is to travel. The candy merchant, however, is content with selling candy. When you are living in a world that bends and adjusts itself to help you achieve your one true dream and that dream is making and selling candy, it seems like such a waste. It really got me thinking. How could anybody be happy making candy when they could be discovering new lands or building great cities? Why did the author make such a character? I think Coelho wanted to tell his readers that you don’t need to be the richest man on the earth to be happy. A candy merchant can experience joys and pleasures that a king never does. If you spend your life wallowing in self-pity, envy, and vanity, you’ll never be happy. You can live in a shack and be one of the happiest people in the world. Unfortunately, some people never realize that. Adventure and sightseeing isn’t for everyone; in fact, many people are fine living in the same house their entire life. You can learn a lot from people like the candy merchant.

Answer 1

The content is wonderful and explicit. You have no trouble understanding the points you are trying to make. Your sentence structure and punctuation is pretty spot on, but . . .



By definition, a paragraph shouldn't be more than a few sentences that are closely related. While the whole story is related, there are areas that are distinct to themselves and don't really belong with other paragraphs.



You have inconsistencies in your capitalization. In some places "Personal Legend" is capped; in other places it is not. I personally would not cap "personal legend."



Put a period after "whilst others had given up." The next sentence can stand on its own as a sentence, and it should.



Paragraph at Santiago's Personal Legend. It is actually a different subject as you're mentioning a person by name. You don't paragraph at "the candy merchant because you are drawing a comparison between Santiago and the candy maker.



Paragraph at "When you are living."

Paragraph at "I think Coelho."

Paragraph at "If you want to spend your life."

Paragraph at "Adventure and sightseeing."

Answer 2

People live their lives in many different ways. Many want to leave a mark in the world and create their own personal legend. We can see this in many people. (i started this intro, but it needs to be expanded more)



The King of Salem said that a "Personal Legend" is something that a person dreams or wants to accomplish. (The king of salem, was a man who had this and this and this and thought this and this and this...eh believed that the legend was a dream, an accomplishment of what he wants to do) be descriptive!



The different characters in Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist, showed that very few people have achieved or sought out their "personal legend." Sadly, many have given up.



In the book, Santiago looked for hidden treasure. The baker desired to travel. The candy merchant was content with selling candy!



The world has many twists and turns that it almost seems like a waste to have one's heart spent on just selling candy! Candy hardly seems important in comparison to big cities and new discoveries. I wonder if there is joy out of a simple thing like selling candy!



Coelho tells his readers that happiness doesn't come from just riches. The candy merchant experienced a joy and pleasure that the king may have never experienced before. (what did the king experience?) A life spent wallowing in self-pity, envy, and vanity is hardly worth talking about. (did the king experience this? who?) Some people can live in a shack and still be happy! (any real example?) Unfortunately, many people do not see where true happiness comes from. (where can you see it?) Adventure and sightseeing isn’t for everyone; in fact, many people are fine living in the same house their entire life. ( ok? so what?) We can learn a lot from people like the candy merchant. ( what else can we learn? why would someone off the street care about the candy merchant?)

Answer 3

Wow that ostensibly truly good could choose to envision something of it. the only component i observed became you forgot and as in "my COAL black hair became as black AS black using fact the cauldron black hair..." and you spelled coal incorrect yet in any different case great job you're a great author

Answer 4

no, it's perfect.......